Sorry y’all. I just haven’t Idk cared? I’ve been on a period since December so I think I’ve had sex all of 3 times since then and haven’t really cared to look at porn or anything sexy since I can’t do anything about it. I can’t have sex because my boyfriend is squicked out by period sex and I hate the post masturbation cleaning that cones with all this. I also don’t feel sexual anymore. I don’t feel attractive i don’t feel pretty I don’t feel hot I don’t feel well anything.
I just feel like just rotting in my room. Ignoring life and not dealing with anything. I’m sick of human contact because it just leads to annoyance and disappointment. I don’t know why I’m sharing this with you. I guess I want practice before I tell my therapist tomorrow. Or this is where I feel safe telling people I don’t want to deal with you anymore. I feel like I’m just something people deal with. Like a cat who someone adopted but doesn’t really like people and just wants left alone but still needs fed. So you feed it out of habit.
I’m also disappointed in myself. I feel emotions but it’s like they’re diluted. I’ve never had love like other people. I’ve never had a first love. I’ve had a first seduction a first obsession and a first dependency but I have never felt love I realize that everything I thought was love is just caring just admiration and affection. I’ve never had a gut feeling or a earth shattering pain of loosing someone. I’ve never fallin for someone. Maybe I’m defective. Maybe I’m destined to be one of those woman who are fine being alone. I’m slowly enjoying it. The idea of no children has grown on me a lot. Same with never getting married or moving in with someone. I enjoy just being with my animals and my art.
Sorry to dump this on all of y’all after months of no posting it’s just been swishing around my head a lot and I needed to share with someone even if no one reads this.